my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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