When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
this is an emotional support booty call
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
