My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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