and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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