I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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