I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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