My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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