there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
