now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
