i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My bed smells like the plague
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
