Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
