On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
