he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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