When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
