yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
