god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
