Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
