i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
