if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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