then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
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I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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