When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
