i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
