My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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