I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
