Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
