Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I understand Curling. That high.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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