Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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