just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
