I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
