You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
