Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
