I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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