Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
