Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
