come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
