i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
