He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
