Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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