well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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