god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
