I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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