I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
