Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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