Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
