A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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