Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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