she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
