I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
