either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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