all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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