Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
