Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
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just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
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Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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