I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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