Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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