I cannot find my penis.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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