Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
