Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
