i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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