Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
