i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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