i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
